I sent out two different WiPs for critiques in the last twenty-four hours. It wasn't until a few hours later that I realized when writing to my CPers, I categorized one WiP as a "disaster" and the other as a "massacre".
Why did I do that?
I often use self-depricating humor, but I wasn't attempting to be funny with either comment. No--I really believe that one is a disaster and the other a massacre.
Obviously--this isn't actually the case. As anyone who has survived a massacre or a disaster can tell you, my WiPs won't rise to this level of atrocity. After all, they aren't death inducing or anything.
But still I think it.
There is a certain amount of angstyness that comes with being any kind of artist. As writers, we often have this vision of what we can create, and when we fall short of that, good ol' angst comes out. And the frustration and disheartenment. But at what point are we injuring ourselves and our artistry by using disparaging words to describe our work?
There is also the tug of reality. That when I observe my WiP from a distance, I am aware that it isn't as good as it can be, which leads me to conclude that it isn't good enough, allowing me to tag the phrase "massacre" onto something that I really care about.
Or maybe I used the terms so that if my CPers find them awful, it lessens the blow. I can pass it off as--yeah, that's what I thought. But this doesn't make a lot of sense either because I can't imagine either of these wonderful CPers using such harsh terms to describe something I've spent so many hours creating.
Whatever the reason, the only person I am doing a disservice to is myself. I owe myself more. And I owe the characters in my WiPs more.
Instead I should be proud of what I've created. It doesn't matter that it isn't exactly what I envisioned yet--that is, after all, why one has CPers.
But it is a hard mindset to shatter. Because still, in my darkest thoughts, I think one is a disaster and the other a massacre.
Do you disparage your WiPs? Are these thoughts just par for the course?
15 comments:
I do the same thing. In fact sometimes I get so upset that I won't even send it out to my CP's. It's really ridiculous, but it's my issue with being a perfectionist. Truth is, I can't get it closer to perfect with my CP's advice and help. You're not alone!
Abby--I'm sure I'm not alone. With CPs, just remind myself that they only want to help, and that gets me over any uncertainty about sending out drafts.
Heidi, I do exactly the same. I think when I feel this the most is right before I have to send my WIP to somebody and I read it for the last time before hitting send. That's when I thing that it's the biggest load of rubbish ever. How can anybody stand to read the thing from start to finish and actually like it? I'm at that point right now, busy working my way through a YA before sending it for another critique.
I know it's not really that bad and that my CPs will point out what needs fixing. But still, you know it's hard to get rid of those doubts.
I really try and not be so critical of myself. That's what CP'ers and friends are for! ;-}
Often times I have this ravenous idea that I know will be a killer story. When I'm done, I'm 180 degrees in the opposite direction from my perceived destination.
But, nonetheless (not nearly as cool a word as angstyness)I have arrived at the destination of my choosing, and where I probably need to be. No sense not taking in the scenery and enjoying my stay.
Besides, deep down you know what you've done really is pretty good...
yes I do but I think I do it because if I call it a disaster and the CP comes back and says it's not THAT bad, then I feel better! I think it is a psychological trick I play on myself. Weird. But you're right, we should not disparage our work so much.
Oh, you already know I was in disparage mode earlier this week. And that was after I got a partial request - go figure.
I read the first chapter of what you sent me, and it most definitely is not a disaster. Have some faith in your writing. You are a genius, after all :)
I don't disparage my WIP's, but I'm always surprised when someone in my critique group says they like it. They look at me like, "What? You didn't think it was good?" I try to re-assure them that it's just "IWS" "Insecure Writer Syndrome," but I gotta work on just saying "thank you" instead.
I'm stuck in the middle of a similar feeling at the moment, so I know exactly how you feel. It's probably not good for us, but I guess it's human nature.
Jani--It is really hard to get rid of those doubts. Blogging does make it better for me--the reminder that I'm not the only one who thinks that way.
Dean--It is interesting how conflicted we are--having the ability to think that something is both a disaster and fairly good. I guess that just confirms not only our own complexity, but also the complexity of written art.
Lisa--You are right--because, giving it the worst possible term ourselves creates a kind of barrier. It reminds me of cultures/groups of individuals who take words back--such as the "cunt" or "fag". Yes--it is different, but there is a kind of base idea that once you have established the worst baseline for yourself, then no one else can harm you.
Gina--You are such a sweetie. I wasn't looking for a compliment, but I will take one gracefully (another thing I'm trying out). Thank you.
Ruth--It is hard to take a compliment. Secretly, I always just wonder if they are blowing smoke up by skirt. Even if it is one of those CPs who I know will tell me the truth. I like the creation of a syndrome!
Sarah--It isn't good, but maybe it is sometimes necessary. If I felt like everything I wrote was amazing, it probably wouldn't be.
I was just thinking about this today. While I write, I (often) think, "Oh man, this is so good! I'm loving this! My professor/writing group/dog is going to love the changes!" Then, a few hours after I send it off, doubt creeps in and I think, "Why did I send it off in such a state? This is terrible. They're going to hate it."
It's not healthy, that's for sure. Either sentiment. I just hope that they balance each other out. :)
It isn't even about what you owe yourself or your project.
It's like with any kind of performance or presentation -- never apologize for what you are -about- to do. It pre-sets the mind of the observer that it's going to be bad. At that point, it doesn't matter how good your effort is, it's already had points knocked off.
If you can't build your work up, you should try and be as non-committal as possible so that the receiver has the best possible chance to construct an objective opinion.
Kirs--I think we all think it all the time...it is interesting how we can swing from both side of the love it/hate it pendulum so quickly.
Andrew--I thought about your comment for quite awhile. I agree that there certainly is the issue of warning your CPers. On the other hand, CPers are partners, not evaluators. So when I send a ms, I often say what I'm struggling with so he/she can concentrate on those difficulties. And with CPers, I'm not trying to build the work up--I want them to see the worst of it.
Yes, but saying that the whole thing is crap is talking about what you're struggling with; that's predisposing them to think the whole thing is crap. If there is a particular bit you're struggling with, you might say "I'm having particular trouble with chapter 4; could you pay extra attention to that?"
If you want an honest critique, you need to allow your critiquers to have the ability to form an objective opinion uncolored by self-deprecation.
sorry: "saying the whole thing is crap is -not- talking about what you're struggling with"
Andrew--I absolutely see what you are saying, and this is certainly yet another reason not to disparage my work. I'm going to give it a try next time I send something out to be critiqued!
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